haLey bee

Memorial Day Pictures

2010-06-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

I promised some pictures from the California trip with Adrian and the girls. Here they are! These are some of my favorites from the whole trip.

A Little Slice of Heaven

2010-06-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Remember when I wrote about how nervous I was about taking Adrian to see my mom? Wow, did I overreact. SHE LOVED HIM and the trip went better than planned. The weather was perfect, family was happy, and the three little monsters in the back seat did awesome the whole time. I'm very very relieved and happy.

Even with the short amount of time we were in Cali, I was able to accomplish everything I set out to do. We went shopping, to the beach, Ruby's Pier in Oceanside, homemade dinners & cinnamon rolls, and I finally was able to have a deep conversation over tea and toast with my mom. I had missed her so so much.

As you can probably guess, most of our conversations were about Adrian and the three little girls and how I fit into this new "Chiaramonte" world, but luckily, there wasn't much explaining that needed to be done. She could see the love I have for A and his girls, and the love that they show me in return. She told me she could "see into Adrian's heart" and was "happy I found someone who truely loves me".
Those are the words of approval I needed to hear from my momma... I think every girl looks for that kind of encouragement when they bring a man home.

One of the main highlights of the trip was very unexpected. One morning, while were all eating breakfast, my nephew Charlie walked up to Adrian and said, "You look like Toby". We all kind of looked at him funny, trying to decide who "Toby" was, but Charlie quickly answered our confusion by saying, "Toby, from Alvin and the Chipmunks, The Squeakqual". Apparently "Toby" is the caretaker of the chipmunks in the movie. From that day on, we all started calling Adrian, "Toby"... even mother Jones couldn't help herself. He got a new family, and a new name in California. When we pulled away I could hear Charlie yelling, "Bye Toby, I love you Toby!". So freakin' cute!

Anyways, my writing is not great right now and there are still some things I need to update people on but the day is running away from me and I will update more later. The main thing is, California was very much like a little slice of heaven for me. Some of my favorite people, all in the same place, enjoying eachothers company. I absolutely loved it. SUCCESS!!

Wedding Dress Virgin

2010-05-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

K, before I write anything, I need to clear something up. I AM NOT ENGAGED RIGHT NOW, OR PLANNING MY WEDDING.

Now I can continue.

Yesterday, I had a photo shoot modeling wedding dresses for my friend Kenzie, who has started her own wedding dress business (Congrats girl). I have done some modeling in the past, but never did anything related to wedding shoots. I figured most modeling shoots are about the same... You put on what they want you to wear, make a few sexy faces, smiling faces, and pose - done right? No, wrong.

I never understood how incredible a dress can make you feel until I slipped on the first dress for the shoot and I, Haley B. Jones, lost my wedding dress virginity. You could argue that a prom dress can make a girl feel the same way, but it wasn't the case for me. As Kenzie finished squeezing me into the white gown, I got surprisingly emotional about the whole thing. I wasn't crying or anything that extreme, but it was a strange internal feeling when I looked into the mirror and saw myself as a bride for the first time. It was special.

I'll be the first to admit that I was somewhat of a "tom-boy" during parts of my childhood, and I never really put much emphysis on my wedding day or the man I'd marry. In fact, thinking back, all of my friends were brides at least once for Halloween, but not Haley... I preferred dying my hair green and being a witch or some weird Star Wars character. Maybe it was because my parents were divorced and I didn't see the point in marriage, or maybe it was just because I thought boys stunk and had cooties, either way, I never dreamed about my wedding day like most little girls do.

That being said, I guess you can understand why yesterday was somewhat of a shocker for me and a good surprise. I actually felt comfortable in a big white gown, pretending to be a glowing bride. Within the straps and stitching, I finally understood why many women claim that their wedding day was the best day of their lives. It instantly makes you feel like the most important, beautiful woman in the world for just one day. I get it now.

For me, my wedding day still isn't what I fantasize about day in and day out, but from my experience yesterday, it definitely boosted my excitement for that one special day. Now I can respect and recognize the power of a big white dress.

These are a couple of the shots from yesterday's photoshoot taken with my iPhone.

~The Battle~

2010-05-25T08:21:00.000-07:00

So last week I was a mess. I felt anxious/sad and I absolutely couldn't figure out what was going on inside my head. Then, on Friday night after work, I had a complete anxiety attack slash breakdown and right when I reached for the "quick-fix" anti-depressants I stopped and decided to sit myself down and talk myself through the feelings inside. I asked myself three things:

1. Why in the HELL are you crying?
2. Why have you felt sad/depressed for a week?
3. How are you going to fix it?

I have a history of taking anti-depressants, mostly during a few rough patches in my teenage years so I know the dangers of depression and I can honestly say, it's always been a constant back and forth battle. It was surprising to me that after so long without the symptoms, I was having those feelings again when I have nothing to complain about. I knew I needed to dig a little deeper within myself to figure it out. I went through my three questions and came up with three answers, with the help of my dad, my best friend Hillary, and my beau Adrian.

First, I called Hillary and told her what was going on. She answered my first question very quickly by saying, "Sometimes Haley, us girls just need a good cry. It's in our DNA." She was right.
I hadn't cried for a long time before Friday night, and I think my anxieties were manifesting themselves through my tears. Instead of keeping my emotions inside (like I usually do), my extreme feminine side finally took over and I was able to shed some tears. It's said that a "good cry" helps relieve some stress and improve your mood so I fully took advantage of that theory and allowed myself to sob. In the end, I did feel much better after I wiped away the tears and re-touched my makeup.

To answer my second question, I called my dad, who has struggled with depression almost his entire life. I knew he was a great person to talk to about the saddness I was feeling. He explained to me that it's normal for everyone to have their "down days" (what he calls it) and that it will pass with time. But, we also talked about the fact that I am feeling a bit bored with my day to day life. Going to work for 10 hours, working out, then waiting for the weekend to come so I can switch it up a bit. That is basically the life I've been living for over 2 years now and it makes this 21 year old feel.... 30ish. Shouldn't I be in school? Shouldn't I be working a fun, part-time job or learning a new skill at such a young age?
Don't get me wrong, I have loved the structure and security my job has given me but I KNOW I don't want to be stuck behind a desk for the rest of my life.
The pressure to find a career and expand my knowledge about the world around me is becoming more and more prominent in my life and that is where my anxieties are coming from.

And finally, that lead me to my last question. How am I going to start moving forward and looking for a new game plan and new opportunities. Adrian came home right after I finished talking to my dad on the phone and he took me on a cute dinner date, knowing I had something on my mind. We talked about ways I could start making some changes and looking towards the future. He explained to me that he would love for me to go back to school, or find a new job, if it will make me happier and feeling more fulfilled. I told him I never wanted him to feel like I was completely dependant on him for a place to live, or money. I want to have my own back-up plan, not because I don't think it will work out, but simply for my own security and peace of mind. I was relieved that he agreed with me and we discussed options for schooling, among other things.

So, after I long hard week and a "good cry" on Friday I pin-pointed my anxieties and my feelings of sadness. No pills or therapy needed which was completely liberating. With the help of family,a good friend, and the man I dearly love, I was able to move past and talk through things that, a few years ago, would have sent me over the edge and into darkness. It's Tuesday now, and I'm still doing my day to day routine but instead of feeling sad I feel hope. I have the support and love I need to make some positive and happy changes in my life and I've finally learned how to successfully communicate... something I struggled to do for years. In the battle between me and depression, I think I won this round.

Haley - 1
Anxiety/depression - 0

SHOUT OUT!

2010-05-20T12:35:00.000-07:00

I need to give a couple quick shout-outs.

First is Chad Braithwaite. He is a very close friend of mine and an amazing photographer here in Utah. He truely is a visionary and his work is absolutely stunning! Here is his website so you can check him out!

www.face-photo.com

Second, is my beau Adrian Chiaramonte has started to try and help the "green environment" cause by building a website for ecigarettes. They are cigarettes that can be smoked anywhere without the bad chemicals, smell, and smoke of a regular cigarette. It's greener for our earth and safer for smokers. Check out his newly finished website!

http://www.greensmartliving.com/

Good luck & great job guys!

Meeting The Family

2010-05-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

Back when I was growing up, I knew I'd be different than the rest of my family. I always had a feeling I'd never marry in an LDS temple or be committed to one idea my whole life. But, I can honestly say, I never thought things would unfold the way they have. We are now only 10 days away from my mom and Adrian meeting face to face. This is a HUGE deal for me and something I have been waiting for since a week after I met him and I knew he was the type of man I'd been looking for. Adrian is SO nervous to meet her but very excited to finally hit this stage in our relationship.

I keep having different thoughts about how this whole thing could play out, and I guess I have been stressing about it a little. After all, Adrian is older than ALL of my siblings, and it is the first time my mom will have to deal with her youngest daughter seriously talking about marriage. Marriage at 22(ish) to a foreign man, who has been divorced once before and has three daughters - teenage daughters. No pressure right? Ugh. Wrong.

Truthfully though, I have to give my mom huge credit for her support and love so far. I know my choices in life have not been what she would have chose for me but she loves me none-the-less. My hopes are simple for the memorial day trip. I hope my mom and family can see the happiness I feel. I hope I can enjoy my vacation without worrying about expectations and show Adrian & his girls how wonderful my family is. And lastly, I hope when I leave I can take a huge sigh of relief. Family is everything and if I'm going to marry Adrian eventually, I need our families to somehow blend together.

I guess we will see how this all goes down...10 Days.

Love That Family Feeling

2010-05-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

Recently we celebrated Nichole's birthday (Adrian's 11 year old) at his ex-wife's house in Draper. It was the first time in a long time I've had that "family" feeling that I miss so much from my childhood. When I was growing up, we were a very close family, and we always celebrated birthdays and holidays together. We even spent every Sunday night around the dinner table enjoying eachothers company and playing in the yard after our food was devoured. I miss that SO much.

I am so grateful that I have been accepted into the Chiaramonte family with open, loving arms since my family is much more spread out now and it's much harder to get us all together. It is so wonderful to be a part of the little girls' development and see them growing up. They have really brightened up my life.

Also, I'm amazed at how well Adrian and his ex wife get along, and how wonderful she is to me. Veronica (the ex) always thanks me for being there and we get along very well. I couldn't be more happy & more at peace than I am right now.

SMILE, It's Monday!

2010-04-26T08:09:00.000-07:00

The receptionist - The first person everyone see's in the morning. I'm here before any of the secretaries, paralegals, and attorney's start to arrive and whether I feel joyful or not, I attempt to smile and welcome them to another 9-10 hours of Kipp and Christian fun...just part of the job. On a normal Monday morning, I greet them and usually get the same monotone answers about how they "didn't sleep great so they are tired", or "it's just another day Monday". Obviously no one is thrilled to be stuck in an office instead of outside in the spring sun and I don't blame them, but it got me thinking, what if everyone changed their attitude first thing in the morning and responded with things like, "it's a beautiful day today", or "it's great to be here"? What if they really took an extra 5 minutes in the morning and counted the things in life they are grateful for? That would change EVERYTHING! If more people would attempt to have a positive outlook on their jobs and walked in with a smile it would change the whole direction of the entire day and week. So, that being said, I've decided to make a new goal. Instead of "faking" a smile every morning I'm going to really mean it. I'm setting my alarm 5 minutes early in the morning so I can get up and reflect what I'm thankful for, maybe even 10 minutes early on Monday's since that seems to be the most fretted day of the week. I know it will make a difference in my own life, but it will be interesting to see if people feed off the positive energy and switch their attitudes for a better work week. I'm the first person they see and you better believe they are going to receive a huge Monday morning smile from now on.
HAPPY MONDAY!!

The Search Is On.

2010-04-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

There is something missing in my life right now. I've had an empty space in my heart since I left California in 2008. At first I couldn't pin point what the empty space was, but after a lot of thought, I've discovered EXACTLY what it is. A puppy!

Watson, my last little doggie, died last year in California while he was living with my mom and even though I didn't see him as much, I still felt like I had my little companion. Now that Watson is gone, and I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I could really take care of a puppy, the search is on.

About a week ago I confessed to Adrian that I had been looking at pups and to my surprise, he was totally supportive and wants one too. We both decided we want a female English Bulldog named Sophie. The only problem I am running into is the fact that almost every breeder in Utah sells their prized bulldogs for $1000-$2000!!! I can't believe how expensive they are! So, I've been saving some cash and hopefully by Adrian's birthday in June we will have our little addition.

We both made the mistake of telling Adrian's three little girls about getting a puppy so now we CAN'T back out...they are very excited and anxious. So, for now, I'm still searching for the perfect little girl.

PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE!

5 Months of PURE BLISS

2010-04-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy writing, so it's a mystery to me how I get caught up in reading "celebrity news" online instead of updating my friends and family on my life through this webpage. I sincerely apologize for my absense the last 6 or 7 months. It's such a shame when SO much positivity has been happening in my life. But, today, I am going to give the update and REALLY try and stay on top of this.

6 months ago Johnny and I broke up again (what is that, like 5 times? Geeze). I saw it coming, even dreamt about it for weeks before, and was well prepared to be single. The second he dropped the bomb, I was out of his life and apartment in just a couple days. I moved back in with my dad and took a few sighs of relief. I finally was done and I knew I'd never go back. Living on my own during the summer before had taught me that it's okay to be alone, and I was ready to focus on myself again. Sure, I had a few cries and at least one breakdown (the night he broke the news)but for the most part I was extremely ready to be free and released from the agony I had endered during my ups and downs with him. I was free, not only physically, but emotionally as well.

Not long after I left Johnny's apartment (with him begging me to stay of course)(Doucher) I received a very special "friend request" on Facebook. The name was Adrian Chiaramonte. Usually I look at friend requests and accept or decline them as quick as I blink. But, this time I paused, looked, and even stared a little bit. Why was this man so intreging to me? Was it in the name? The face? I couldn't figure it out. So, I did what most curious girls would do and sent him a message after I had accepted his request to be friends. The message simply read, "Hi, do I know you?".

And the best 5 months of my young life had begun.

We sent messages back and forth via Facebook and eventually exchanged numbers. We texted a lot that first weekend and to me, he was charming and kind. A nice "friend" after a rough time in the previous weeks/months. He gave good advice and seemed to share my same opinions on life, relationships, and love. Adrian told me he'd come visit my work next time he was at the Gateway (where I was working part-time for the holiday's) just to say hi and meet me in person. He came in on November 9th 2009 for a suprise visit and that very same evening we had a late dinner together at a place called Eva's. The chemistry was undeniable. We are 15 years apart and yet, we related to eachother like we were the very same age. As we sat across from eachother and I looked into his eyes and listened to him speak with his funny accent, I knew I was in trouble. As hard as I tried to deny my overwhelming attraction to him I couldn't deny the connection we were making. 2 hours across from eachother, seemed like 5 minutes, and just like that, I was hooked. That first night, he took me to his house (to get my car) and asked me to dance right there in his living room. The song he played?, "Me and Mrs. Jones" by Michael Buble'. It was during that dance, and during that song that we shared our first kiss.

It all sounds like a script from a movie right? The funny thing is, I am not exaggerating ANYTHING. It was the begginning of the love story I have always dreamt of but never thought existed. After our kiss, and he walked me out to my car, I smiled the whole way home and my stomach was going crazy with butterflies. After living in sorrow, doubt, and a hardened relationship for so long, I was so relieved to know that I could feel passion, excitment, and happiness again. Even if it wasn't a long term thing, I wasn't sure yet.

Fortunately for me, Adrian felt the same thing. He felt the connection, the passion, and the desire to be around eachother. We started seeing eachother more and more and the connection grew deeper and deeper. Although we both had some fears and we both tried convincing our hearts to slow down, neither of us could help but keep the ball rolling at full speed and within a month I had met his ex-wife, three little girls, we were "official", and happier than ever.

So, 5 months later and we are still going strong and enjoying every moment. Most nights are simple and uneventful, and weekends are spent with the three little girls, which I enjoy very much. But, through the 5 months we have had a lot of fun too. We went to Miami in January, Park city for Sundance a couple weeks after that, then it was my 21st birthday (Adrian threw me a huge, amazing birthday party), and then we traveled to Miami again, then Seattle, and finally Portland. Yeah, we've had a great time together.

Some other things that have been a huge positive in my life are my friends and my growing relationship with my dad. My friends (old and new) have been so supportive and loving towards me since my break up and new found love. They have taken me in at time of trouble, and taken me out for fun nights, just because. I love and adore my friends. My dad and I have had our rough patches through the last 5 years or so, but we have never been closer than we are now. He has helped me figure out my fincances and helped me create healthy goals, plus, he is always a great person to have around during a fun party or get-together. I love my poppa.

Anyways, I think the only thing void in my life is seeing my brothers, sisters, and mom more. I wish it was easier to get us all together but Adrian and I are planning a trip in May to go see Mother Jones. He will be meeting her for the first time and I couldn't be more excited. Life is beautiful :)

GUESS WHO!!

2009-09-10T15:07:00.000-07:00

So over the weekend I had the chance to see my long lost brother Siale. He lived with us while I was growing up and became a part of our family. He was with us through my parents divorce and stuck around during some of the hardest years of our lives. Us Jones kids owe him a lot for his support and help. Siale has been living in Australia with his wife and two kids so it's been about 6 or 7 years since I had seen him. I was brought to tears when he showed up at my dads house over the weekend. I truely missed him more than I can put into words.

Lately

2009-09-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

Lately, everything has been great. I've got some great friends in SLC and an even better family that I miss everyday! Johnny and I have been talking, trying to identify all the problems we had before and alter them... I believe it's possible to make it work with eachother because we both obviously care a lot but we will see how things pan out in the end. I'm growing my hair back out again (it'll take a while) because winter is coming and I need some ear warmth if I'm still going to be in SLC! Trust me, it's going to look hideous for a bit until it gets to a length I can deal with. I'm not excited.

I interviewed for a new position at Kipp and Christian (where I work) to be a legal secretary for three lawyers and I find out next week if I got the promotion. I'm praying it all works out. Only God knows what's best for me right now, so I'm putting my faith in him.

Here are some pictures from the last couple weeks. Enjoy!

GO UTES!!

Kristina and I doing the "sweet bro" pose

My friend Heiti and I doing the "asian tourist" pose

Friends watching the Utes v. Utah State

Follow Me!

2009-08-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

Hey Ya'll friends and family. You can now follow me on twitter! I post lots of great quotes and things, plus new pictures all the time. Yes, I am becoming quite the social networker! All you need to do is go to the link below (copy & paste)and start following. Love you all! xoxoxo

http://twitter.com/haleybee

Flowers!

2009-08-25T14:14:00.001-07:00

I have discovered that flowers are an incredible way of telling someone you love them. I received flowers from my dad for no reason on Friday afternoon at work. They came with a story about cherishing life and a simple note that said "I'm proud of you". I have to say, I felt loved. Thank you dad for making my day special, and my apartment smell better too ;)

Oh The Days of Summer 09'

2009-08-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

I'm making a new goal. I'm going to start updating my blog more often. I have been terrible at this whole blogging thing, but thanks to my sister Jenny, my page is a little more appealing (she did all the design work) and hopefully it will inspire me to write more.

I made it to my 35 day mark (a couple weeks ago) and I must say... time flew. I feel better than I did when I wrote my first post and I think I've gained momentum and strength throughout this summer of the "single" life. I have been very fortunate to meet new friends and have my families support during this difficult summer. Things are looking up. No, I'm not over my ex unfortunately but I have been dating and I've had some weird experiences in that field. Men are weird to say the least.

Anyways, I thought I'd post some pictures and of what I've been up to this summer so far, and what I've been doing to keep myself busy.

Nate and I went to WICKED in the spring (courtesy of Gary R. Jones) and we had such a great time! We were there early so we did a photo shoot with my iPhone... here are just a couple of them. You can definitely tell we are siblings in the first one...we call that face the "own it" face. Don't ask.

This next one is a picture from the Britney Spears/Pussycat Dolls concert. I went with two of my best friends, JT Thorpe, and Chad Braithwrite. This is us outside the Energy Solutions Area after the concert was over.

I've been to a few concerts, most of them just casual no name bands but there is a place in SLC called Red Butte Gardens where these concerts are held and it is the most spectacular stage! It's an outdoor stage and so you bring your own picnic and blankets, relax on the grass, and enjoy the music. Here are some pictures from the times I've been up there this summer. And yes, those are my dads feet, and they are metalic blue... I made him paint them.

I have a very sweet relationship with Johnny's (my ex) little sister Jamie. We go out on a girl date about twice a month. I usually try and take her somewhere she can learn something from so this time I took her to the museum of natural history. She LOVED it....obviously.

Okay lets see, what else. I went to bear lake with my dad and Aunt Tammy. My cousin Isabel will deny this but I totally tossed her off the jetski. Also, my friend Stevie from California came into SLC for a weekend, I went to Wendover with my grandma and grandpa, bought a new white cruiser bike, played with my neices from NYC, went to Vegas with my friend Kristina, and caught a few pictures of polygamists outside my office one Monday morning. PHEW!

AND THE SUMMER ISN'T EVEN OVER YET!

Coming soon: New poems I've written lately.

24

2009-07-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

So, I've made it through another weekend and I'm down to 24 days. Things are looking pretty good and I'm working on a financial plan that should boost me up a little bit as far as money goes. I ran into Johnny at a concert last week and I was very polite and nice to him. I didn't want to have ANY contact, but that has been difficult due to "small world" syndrome here in SLC. Anyways, I kept my head up and I haven't allowed myself to break down too much...although, it's been very difficult.

I have been looking at dogs lately because my apartment allows them and I think it'd be a great way to get my mind off of things and a new beginning...especially after losing Watson (my puppy of 10 years). I can't decide if I should get a new breed, or if I should just stick to mini schauzters. I know that adopting one from the pound would be better but I haven't seen any that I feel like I could take home yet. It'll probably take some time but I'm excited! I think I need a little companion instead of a boyfriend.

This past weekend was really fun! I went to Bear Lake with my dad on Sunday and met up with my Aunt Tammy, Uncle Mike, Grandparents, and cousins. We had a jet ski and played in the sun allllllll day! It was exactly what I needed to relax, plus I got a huge raspberry shake at the end of the day :). Anyways, I'm keeping my head up, trying to stay positive.

31

2009-07-06T09:32:00.001-07:00

So I've made it through the weekend and I'm feeling much better than last week. I stayed home for the 4th of July weekend and relaxed. Well, I guess I spent most the time in my dad's backyard laying out in the sun, reading, swinging in the shade, and hot tubbing. I told myself at the beginning of the weekend that I was going to meet new people and branch out. I did exactly that.

Friday night I met a whole new group of people through my friend Celeste at a place called "Gracies" here in SLC. They were all so nice and it was really easy to get to know them without any awkard moments. I've realized that I've been in a bubble for almost a year! I love meeting new people and I always have, I missed it.

Anyways, I hung out allllll day Saturday with the same group of people by a pool and then we had a BBQ and played volleyball (I injured my hand pretty good). I met some nice guys and I'm actually supposed to go on a date with one of them tonight. I think it will probably just be a friendship thing but I'm excited because he's really funny and named his dog after the Utah Jazz....gotta give that a chance. haha

Sunday I spent the day with my dad. We went roller blading in the park and went to a play in the evening. I walked into my apartment last night smiling from ear to ear. I couldn't help it! I'm discovering a new me and feeling so much better about life. I'm still working on my goals but I'm thinking things can only go up from here. YAY! Keeping a positive outlook on things has helped me lately so I'm going to keep making my positive thoughts a reality.

35 Days

2009-07-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

I have officially set a goal. In 35 days my life will be better. In 35 days I will know who I am again and what I'm working towards. In 35 days I will be OVER my ex boyfriend and the people who have brought me down and focused on myself. In 35 days, I'll be happier all the way around and closer to God.

Since I last wrote things got crazy and completely turned upside down in my life. Long story short, I've moved around a lot since February and I've even lived out of my car. I've blown all my savings on deposites for new places to live, car expenses, boyfriends that don't deserve it, and food to keep me alive. The only thing that has stayed the same is my job. I still have my job and I'm still there for 9 hours every day earning a paycheck. My relationship with my dad was rocky but it's looking up, and my relationship with my mom has always been good...I just wish she was closer. NONE of my siblings live in Utah anymore so that in itself has been difficult. I stopped praying for a while and lost my closeness with God which I don't recommend to anyone. In just the past month I've been dumped twice by the same guy, moved into a one bedroom place after living with him, drove to California in the middle of the night due to a mental/anxiety breakdown and I owe everyone and their dog money for helping me with all the transitions I've gone through. Okay okay, I just owe my parents money and credit card companies, but still, it hasn't been pretty. I am at a point where I don't feel like things can get much worse (even though I know they probably could) and I'm struggling to wake up everyday. I spent a lot of time and effort getting off anti-depressants and now I'm about ready to swallow an entire bottle. Sounds fun eh?

So, now I can explain the 35 days. I've decided that I need to stop feeling bad for myself and give myself a challenge instead. So, self, I'm giving you 35 days to turn your life around. No excuses. Just do it.

I am going to allow my dad to take over my finances for a period of time and give me an allowance each week. I've GOT to pay off some debts. I am not going to talk to anyone who is a bad influence or makes me feel less than I am for 35 days at least....probably more, but it's a start. My physical health has been good the last few months but I'm gonna shoot for an even healthier physical body, no more feeling sick! And lastly, I am going to start praying all day...be in constant meditation and start listening to my inner self.

I know 35 days doesn't seem like a huge amount of time but I didn't want to do anything too extreme because I get overwhelmed easily....especially with all the circumstances lately. IT IS TIME TO TAKE CONTROL.

Writing helps me a lot. It helps me empty what I'm feeling inside so I can fit better things into my brain. I am like a lot of writers, I am inspired when I'm sad or depressed. Sounds crazy, but if you pay attention, there are a lot more sad stories and poems than there are happy ones. That being said, I am going to be sharing some of the things I've written in the past months on my blog. No body get alarmed! Alot of it is sad but I need to do this as part of my 35 days of getting better. I need to release ALL the things I've kept inside and re-build. My life needs not just change, but POSITIVE change, and I am going to make it happen. 35 days to a better life starts now.

2009-02-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I had the best day of my entire life! I went to California to see my best friend Stevie for his birthday and within a period of 24 hours I don't think I ever stopped smiling. I landed in SLC at about 8:00 on Friday night in the LAX airport. I had worked all day with little sleep the night before and still had the bags under my eyes and weight on my shoulders from a long week. It only took a few seconds for all of that stress to disappear when I saw Stevie standing at baggage claim with his arms open wide. I ran over to him and gave him a HUGE hug but we both had to pause and laugh at all the funny looks we were getting. Stevie drove me to my mom's house in Rialto CA, and it was so good to see her. I had a sense of relief when I walked through that door and embraced my mom. I didn't want to let her go. Watson (my dog) has gotten so fat I didn't even recognize him! His face looks like it's growing into his neck and he can hardly breath anymore. It made me sad to see him like that but I know he is well taken care of and loved. He has had a wonderful life for a dog so far, not to mention all the treats he gets. Anyways, mom and I stayed up for a couple hours and had tea and toast before we hit the sack. We talked about all the usual things, work, clothes, movies, boys, and family. When I lived in California my mom and I always sat around the table at night with tea, toast and girl talk. It made our relationship much stronger and I had forgotten how much I miss that tradition.

The next morning I suprised my mom by waking up at 8:15am. I used to sleep until noon when I lived there before but I can't anymore because I've had to get up so early with my job. I pulled my hair up and we went out to run errands in the 75 degree weather...I LOVE the california weather during this time of year. We grabbed some breakfast and got a couple pedicures from the infamous "Dianna Nails". It was the perfect start to a perfect day.

In the afternoon Stevie came back to my house to pick me up so we could go have his birthday lunch with all of our friends. I got to see a bunch of people I hadn't seen since I left California but most of them are exactly the same. After lunch we all went to Victoria Gardens mall to go shopping. I have a special place in my heart for that mall because that is where I spent most of my time working and it is also where I met most of my friends. We shopped and shopped and shopped until about 5:00, then decided it was time to get ready and head to Hollywood. We got all dressed up and drove to Hollywood in a brand new silver Mustang convertable with the sun on our faces. We decided to go to a place called Boulevard 13 which is a swanky dinner place that has a really great dance floor. All of us had so much fun dancing into the night. We left at about 1:00 in the morning and drove down Hollywood Boulevard blasting "You are the one" by Shiny Toy Guns and singing at the top of our lungs. By the time I landed on Stevie's bed (Stevie slept on the couch mom)I was wishing the day wasn't over, except I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open. I immediatley fell asleep with a smile on my face and woke up realizing that it was time for me to go back to SLC. I was so sad to leave so quickly but I will never forget those 24 hours and the people I got to spend it with. Initially I went to celebrate with Stevie for his birthday but I had such a good time, I could have sworn it was mine. Thanks mom and Stevie and everyone else that made it the greatest day of my life...so far.

Writing

2009-01-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

I write a lot in my journals. Mostly I write random thoughts, feelings, or questions I have about life but occasionally it forms a poem or a song. I wrote this one a little while ago and thought I'd post it. I'm going to start posting more of the things I've written, but here's a first.

As I sit here quiet and secluded, IT has finally taken it's toll. This feeling has come over me and IT is more real than anything I have ever felt before. IT is stronger than desire, love, or even grief. IT has become the poison in me, the poison I crave. IT, in ITself has peirced my armor and left me questioning my ideals and my emotions have come to match my envious green eyes. As I bite my tongue, I feel my pulse and thick moisture rushing down my throat, this becomes the only physical sign of my interior fury. IT has blinded me and left me feeling insecure and shaken. Maybe this is God's way of telling me I am no longer callous but IT has become what I despise most in others and myself; Jealousy.

New Do

2009-01-20T09:42:00.001-08:00

So everyone has been very curious what my hair looks like now that I've chopped it off! Here are a couple of recent pictures from the weekend. Let me know if you like it short or long better! I can't decide....

A Year To Remember

2008-12-31T08:23:00.000-08:00

There are so many things that happened in 2008 I can hardly believe it. I think I have grown more in this last year than I have in my entire life so far. The year was full of upsets, letdowns, joy, pain, love and heartache. As I look through the past 12 months there are a few things that stood out to me as being the most significant in 2008.

1. Kipp and Christian P.C.

When I was hired on March 11, 2008 at K&C I had no idea what I was in for. I had never had a full-time position or so much responsibility in my life! At first I thought it would be easy but at 19 I was thrown into a "law world" that I knew nothing about. They took a risk by hiring me so young, having no experience but so far it has been a wonderful fit. I love the people I work with and they have become more like a family to me. The hardest part of the job was getting used to waking up at the butt-crack of dawn and getting to work for 9 hours everyday. It has changed the way I view a lot of things and has taught me many valuable lessons about life. Overall they have been great to me and very patient with my learning. It is by far the most significant thing that happened in 2008.

2.Dating

My dating life has never been boring... but this year takes the cake. I finally made things official with Johnny in January 2008 after wanting to be with him for 3 years. We moved quickly, (probably too quick at first) we fell in love and we moved in together after only 4 months of dating. Living together didn't last long and I left him. We spent a summer apart and went about our own lives but kept in contact. With all the up's and down's, a year later we are back where we started. We have started dating again and we will see how it unfolds. I think we both learned a lot when we were separated so hopefully this time around will be a positive experience.

3.The Election

I have NEVER been into politics but this last year changed the way I see America and I actually found out I enjoy learning about politics. I have to say, ninety percent of the reason why I was so involved in this election was due to Barack Obama and his family. I didn't like them at first, but the more I learned and watched the debates I am so proud to have him has our next president. I really felt the message of hope from his speeches and I believe he is the only man that could turn our country around after George W. Bush and his 8 years in office. Also, I was very proud to vote for the first time and felt a great sense of pride in my country for allowing my voice to be heard. It truely is the greatest country on earth.

4.Proposition 8 Confusion

In california, law makers decided to put a vote on gay marriage. I never thought it would be an issue in Utah that I would need to worry about. Boy was I wrong. I don't think there has ever been a time in my life were I felt so confused! After the LDS church asked it's members to support prop 8, all hell broke loose. Other church organizations supported it as well but the LDS church took most the heat from the gays and lesbians. I was constantly being pulling from one direction to the next and questioning my own beliefs over and over. With my dad on one side and my mom the complete opposite, it made for interesting conversations and lots of thought. In the end, prop 8 passed and it is now illegal for gays to marry in California. I am still not sure if I agree or disagree but my good friend Stevie Fiore pretty much summed up how I feel in one statement, "There is no right or wrong, there is only human"

5.Buying my first car

Ever since the Scion tC came out I wanted one. I was 15 when I first saw the car and this year I finally got it! Johnny worked at Low Book Sales (a car dealer) and found me an awesome deal on my Scion after I got in a car accident and my old car was totalled. I don't love the payment every month, but I'm fortunate to be able to afford it and I love my car.

6.A year of illness

I have had my fair share of illnesses this year. In fact, I can't remember a year when I was more sick. In the course of 12 months I had strep, kidney stones, 4 colds in 3 months, food poisoning, AND I went off anti-depressants cold turkey in Febuary. Going off anti-depressants made me sick for a long time but it was overall one of the best decisions I've made. If I were to do it again I WOULDN'T go off of them cold turkey because it caused me so much suffering. I was ready to get off of the meds and I've been happier since.

7.American Idol

Ok ok I was a psycho about American Idol this year. I watched every episode and devoted part of myself to making David Cook my husband. It was pathetic but still a lot of fun. Hillary and I tried out for American Idol in July and we both practiced super hard every day. I sang "Bring me to life" by Evanesence in front of producers for the show and an audience of 4,000 people. The day of try-outs was crazy and lasted 18 hours! I probably won't do it again but it was a blast.

8.Utah Jazz Playoffs

Watching my Jazz go to the playoffs and almost beat the Lakers was so fun! I am sad they lost but they got SO CLOSE and had a great year. I watched almost every game in2008 and kept the stats on all my favorite players. It was the closest we've come to winning a championship since I was 6 years old. I am proud of them but I'm thinking that 2009 isn't gonna be as great :(. I guess time will tell.

9.Mother's Day

One of my most memorable moments in 2008 was going to see my grandma Joy for Mother's day. Words cannot express how much I love this women. She is my greatest inspiration and visiting her is always a treat for me. While I was in Hanksville we talked, played LOTS of cards, watched a Jazz game, laughed and cried. She always has her fridge stocked with cream soda's (because it's my favorite drink)and her homemade raspberry jam. We had some very special talks while I was there and I'll never forget them. I love her.

10.Las Vegas Weekend

Hillary and I randomly decided to travel to Las Vegas one weekend and meet a couple of friends down there. The trip was not long, but it was SO MUCH FUN! We danced in the streets of the strip, layed by the pool, and reunited as best friends. I think it's a trip we will both remember forever. Love you Bruffle.

11.Movin' Out

I have moved a total of 5 times this year. Most of them have been back and forth between my dad's house (which is where I always seem to end up) and other apartments/houses. I think I'm going to stay put for awhile at my dads.

Well, that's my list of significant things that happened in 2008. I am hoping that 2009 is exciting and positive. Only time can tell.

Merry Kissmas!

2008-12-24T12:27:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

This Ones For The Kids

2008-12-24T12:24:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

The Kipp & Christian Christmas Party

2008-12-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

Ok so I've been talking for months about how stressed I am about the Christmas party I was planning for my office. Guess what, IT'S FINALLY OVER! I am so happy it's over and done with, but I'm even more happy that it went exactly as planned and everything was perfect. It really seemed like everyone had a great time and really appreciated the hard work I put into the event. We had the party at The Grand America Hotel in one of their ballrooms. The whole ballroom was decorated beautifully and the food was absolutely incredible. One of the paralegals I work with sent me some pictures from the event today so now I'm going to share them with you!

Me and Johnny
Paralegal Susan Seder with her sister
Attorney Nan Bassett (Brown Hair) with her sister and Secretary Laura Evans on the right
Paralegal Jan Tabish in the middle with her husband on the right
Attorney Steve Kelson with his wife
Office manager Gus Bernardo with his wife, and Natalee Bernardo is one of our runners (left)

Attorney's Shawn McGarry, Mike Skolnick, and Kirk Gibbs.
Attorney Scott Powers with his wife.
Attorney Patrick Burt with his wife
Shawn McGarry with paralegal Korinne Smith
Nurse/Paralegal Anne Gray with her husband

Steve Kelson won the grand prize in our ornament contest.
We are like a family in the office.
No one in the office was allowed to make a BYU themed ornament for our contest but one of our runners did it anyways. He won this shirt as his prize.
Attorney Heinz Mahler's wife made this ornament (it's him in a santa hat with his shirt off) and he won a prize for 'most disturbing ornament'.

Kirk and Shawn looking at a calendar that some of the staff made.
Overall the party was perfect. I'm glad it's over.

A birthday!

2008-12-10T09:59:00.001-08:00

When I was living in Salt Lake and going to Skyline highschool I met a lot of fun people. One of my best friends during my sophmore year was Alisha Unitoa. She was in 'The Music Man' with me and we became friends instantly...I adore this girl. Anyways, we have still kept in contact and we are work out buddies at the gym almost everyday. I make her go to all the classes and she makes me lift weights, together we make a pretty good duo. I know that if anything were to ever happen, Alisha would be one of the first people to have my back.

I took these pictures on Alisha's birthday at her party. We went to school with Cordell, (who I also work with and is in the pictures) I was glad he could make it to the party. We had such a blast!

Thanksgiving Photos For All

2008-12-10T09:23:00.001-08:00

Oh Thank Goodness for Thanksgiving! I had an amazing time with my family in Hanksville this year. I slept as much as possible but still managed to have a very eventful weekend. I don't know what it is about seeing family but I always come home feeling refreshed and grateful that I have the best family in the world. Here are some of the pictures I took during my trip...

David loved driving uncle Randy's fourwheeler/golfcart thing.

Mom and I got in a pretty serious whipped cream food fight. I was pissed because she got me pretty good

Before we had our big feast, we all talked about what we are thankful for. I had to take a picture of grandma during this because she was crying and being so sincere. She is the most incredible women, and has been through more than anyone I've ever met, yet she still finds a million things to be grateful for in her life. She is a living inspiration.

I'm not the only one that voted for Obama. Me and grandma Joy both were advocates for him and dang proud of it!

Here is my cousin Justin and his girlfriend talking to Dave and Amy. We all tried on Justin's GIANT cowboy hat but it really only looks good on him.

Mom and Grandma cookin' our feast

Turns out I'm a decent shot..

Hanksville has a certain beauty to it.

At the family Christmas party Dave and Nate played a couple songs for everyone. They have both improved so much with their voices, IT'S AMAZING! They wrote a song called 'Fall' and if you haven't heard it, you should.

Mom's team came in first place during the annual 'Amazing Race' but I thought that my team should have won for most entertaining. We got disqualified for cheating or else we would have won overall haha.

I had to add this one, just because Davids face in the background. Hahaha

Lately

2008-11-25T13:54:00.000-08:00

So the last couple weeks I've been feeling very lonely. My dad has been in New York City for the last few days and I'm never home long enough to really spend any time with my roommates. I've been going to the gym A LOT to keep my mind busy and my friend Alisha (from my skyline years) is usually there to keep me motivated. Another place that I've found comfort in has been Barnes & Noble in Sugarhouse. I love all book stores, especially ones that smell of old, worn books that have been read a thousand times and coffee or hot chocolate. Luckly, B&N is right by the gym which makes it nice to walk over after I work out.

On another note, I wrote earlier about going to Cali to see my family in September and I forgot to post pictures I took of the kids. I don't know what I was thinking...

Jenny needed to run a quick errand in a store so me and Annabelle sat in the car and played.

I thought this one was so funny. It shows off her kissable cheeks!

Here are a couple of Charlie when we were at a fun pizza restraunt. I had to leave right after dinner to catch my flight home so we were all a little sad.

Dillon is turning into such a cool dude. I love them all so much!

The EX List

2008-11-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

I realized something funny today... I've had 8 different boyfriends in the last 5 years!!! It might sound crazy and it probably is. I can hardly believe it myself but I thought it would be fun to make my EX list and share some experiences I've had with each.

1. Gavin Garr

I started dating Gavin when I was a freshman in highschool. I was 14 and he was 18. He didn't really sweep me off my feet at first but he made me laugh and we always found joy in conversations with eachother. I think I was drawn to Gavin because of his hidden sensitivity, unconditional love, and his family. Freshman year was a hard time for me and I felt very welcomed into the Garr family. They loved me and gave me comfort when no one else knew I was struggling. I regret lying to my mom about my relationship with Gavin ( I told her we were just friends ) but I don't regret the times I had with Gavin and his family. I truely loved Gavin while we were together and he was my best friend. One thing that really sets Gavin apart from anyone else is the ability he has to make anything enjoyable, whether it's going for a canyon drive in the dead of winter or just sitting on the couch and talking for hours about nothing. I still talk to Gavin and he is now in the Army. He will be going to Iraq in a few months.

2. Colton Carnahan

I met Colton when I lived with my sister Jenny in Arizona for the summer. I hung out with a group of people from church at the Warp Tour concert one day and that night hung out with them at a pool party. I was around Colton all day but I didn't notice him until that night at the pool party. Colton walked up to me, drying himself off with a towel and the conversation went something like this,

Colton: "What's up"

Me: "Who are you? Have you been with us all day?"

Colton: "Ya, but I don't blame you for not recognizing me...I look totally different without my shirt on."

Honestly, I don't think I've had a relationship as funny as the one I had with Colton. He made me laugh out loud every time I saw him. There were even a couple times when I think I peed. Anyways, after I moved to California we traveled back and forth to see eachother at least once or twice a month (romantic right?). Colton and I still talk and he is still making me laugh. He is working full time in Arizona and has had a couple girlfriends since me but I'm glad we've remained friends.

3. Golden Tawzer

This one was short but sweet. I met Golden while I was at my dad's in SLC on vacation. He came out to see me in California a couple weeks later and that was it, we were a couple. I moved to Utah shortly after we started dating and we had some good times. Probably the most memorable time I had with Golden was when we went to his brothers wedding in Idaho together. I stayed at his grandparents house for a couple days and took pictures for their family of the wedding. Golden and I had fun together but in the end, I was 5 or 6 years younger than him and that became a problem and prevented us from moving forward. He is happily married now so we don't talk. I wish him all the best!

4. Roger Ellis
No one knows alot about Roger because we only dated for 2 months...maybe less. I just hung out with him the summer before senior year and we went to a few movies and dinners. Roger is just my friend now and we still talk.

5. Chris Larsen
Ah, the infamous Christopher Larsen. I knew Chris through middle school and high school and had ALWAYS crushed over him. What I didn't know is he crushed on me too. We started dating during my senior year of high school and for a couple months it was perfection. On a lot of levels Chris and I related to eachother and enjoyed being together. We had the same interests and the same friends which made it easy to be around eachother all the time. I think our problems started when we both moved back to Logan and I depended on him more and more. I didn't have any family around so he became my primary focus. The mistakes were on both ends but I learned alot from this relationship. Chris and I don't talk but I know he is living in Arizona with his family.

6. Kevin Christensen

Kevin holds a very special place. He was my first boyfriend in 6th grade and we went off and on all through middle school and parts of high school (when I lived in Logan). It wasn't until senior prom when we reunited and became middle school/high school sweethearts again. Kevin is one of my best friends to this day and is a very positive, loving person. I went through some of the toughest times of my life with Kevin by my side and he has got to be one of the most patient people I know. I will always be grateful for the things Kevin has taught me, especially the ablity to forgive and learn from mistakes. He is living in Logan, getting ready to start another semester of college at USU and doing great.

7. Blake Bassett
I met Blake through his brother Cordell. We hit it off at first because we have the same taste in music, art, food, and movies. What we had was more of a fling than anything else but it was fun for a time. Blake and I don't talk but I work for his mom and with his brother so I know he is doing very well. The one thing I learned from Blake is that most really good-looking men are full of themselves and it makes them very unattractive...get my drift?

8. Johnny Vigil
Probably the most eccentric of the bunch but loads of fun. I wrote about Johnny in one of my first blogs and I actually moved in with him for about 2 weeks before our relationship ended in May. I met Johnny when I was 17 and living in SLC and we went on a few dates but didn't seriously start dating until January of 08'. Johnny is the most hard working, determined, tough person I know. He works for everything he has and every day makes big strides to be better than the day before. He is not shy about expressing himself at all and knows exactly what he wants in life. His direction and determination is something I've learned from and part of the reason I work so hard. Johnny and I are almost polar opposites but through me I think he softened up, and through him I know I became stronger. We still talk and see eachother alot and he is doing great... moving forward as always.

So, that's it! I've had some wonderful guys in my life...and some not-so-great guys but overall I've learned ALOT and don't regret meeting any of them. It's been fun going back through time and remembering some of the experiences I've had but I'm ready to move on and see what's in store next...hahaha

Confusion NOT over

2008-11-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

"Get Up!, I've got a plan for us today"

That is the text I got Saturday morning from my dad at about 9:30am. I didn't want to get up because I'd had a late night but I decided wake up and see what his "plan" was. I've wrote alot lately about how confused I've been about prop 8 and the issue of gay marriage so I found it ironic that my dad's plan was to go to, and participate in, a gay rights rally. I had never been to a rally before, or protested anything in public in my life but my dad didn't want to go alone. He made a total of four signs for us to take to the rally earlier in the morning so by the time I rolled out of bed, put a hat on, and drove to his house we were ready to go, signs and all.

As we pulled up to the City Hall building in downtown SLC the crowd was overwhelming. There were literally thousands of people with signs protesting prop 8 and protesting gay marriage. It was a battle ground. To be honest, I didn't want to be on one side or the other but I had my sign and went with it, trying to be objective. I have never seen so many people be so passionate in unison. The screaming, chanting, and arguments were everywhere from both sides. I heard things like,

"What do we want? EQUALITY! When do we want it? NOW!" and

"HOMOS GO TO HELL", over and over again.

The march was a total of four blocks around City Hall and Library Square with cars driving by either honking and waving or honking and flipping us off. It was obvious how much hate and frustration was felt by everyone involved. I never thought I'd see something like it in my life time, but I did and it was with my dad.

In the end, I'm happy I went (even though I was half asleep) and it opened my eyes to many things on both sides but the confusion is still in my heart. I can't seem to sort out my thoughts....

Me and my dad. I'm barely awake in this picture.

This is one of my dad's signs and was actually mentioned in the newspaper the next morning. This is also officially the picture that pops up on my phone when my dad calls me, hahahaha.

Here's the other side of the same sign. I thought my dad did a really good job drawing the fist.

Being in the middle of the whole thing gave me some anxiety but I was fine.

Marching down the streets...

Some People Wonder Why I Love Utah....

2008-11-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

I've been going running alot lately so about a month ago I took these pictures right when the leaves started changing in one of the canyons in Utah.

I don't think I got alot of exercise because I was too busy taking pictures...

This last picture was taken on Halloween night. I was at a house above the capital in Salt Lake City and the view took my breath away. The picture doesn't really do any justice of what it felt like to be above the city. The LDS temple was especially gorgeous that night.

Pictures of life right now

2008-11-13T09:12:00.001-08:00

The roomies and Bobbi. Taylor looks a little scary.....

I love Bobbi

Some friends I love

These two are funny. He painted his eye lids to look like his eyes but they got kindda smudged.

I also saw my best friend from middle school on Halloween night, Bobbi McFarland (the girl in the middle). She is still one of the funniest girls I know.

Seeing Gavin Garr on Halloween, my first real boyfriend when I was 15 years old (mom wasn't too pleased). I was a little Freshman and he was a Senior.... He has since been enlisted into the Army and is doing fine. It was really good to see him.

Me, Chandler, and Taylor at the Utah State Fair...

The confusion

2008-11-13T09:10:00.000-08:00

Every family has it's problems and I am no exception. I have found myself very confused by a political issue lately which has strongly affected the relationships I have with my family.

The issue of gay marriage.

Most of my family (including mom, and siblings) are pro-family and disagree with the legalizing of gay marriage in any state. But, my dad is a liberal gay man who I've lived with for a combined total of about 3 years. I've seen both sides of the argument first hand and have lived both life styles early on in my young life. Some of my favorite people are my dad's ex-boyfriends or acquaintances and some of my most memorable moments growing up have been affiliated with the mormon church. I've always formed my own opinions with information gathered from each side, but this issue of gay marriage has got me stumped. I believe in equality, but I also believe keeping the tradition of marriage is important. God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve but God also allowed people to be born attracted to the opposite sex.

With the news of prop 8 passing in California I stood silent, confused at how to react. I watched my mom and siblings rejoice in victory and my dad protest and scream outside Temple square. So here I am, still wondering and having no gut feeling at all.
Being a hot headed, opinionated, and strong-willed person, I am not easily bewildered by political issues, but this one hits home and leaves me questioning. Is there right or wrong?

2008-10-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!

You are intelligent, outgoing & stylish. A true girly girl, you love shopping & makeovers.
Although you are a generous friend, you can be coy, tricky & very persuasive in order to
get your way. You are known to zone out occasionally during conversations, but your
friends forgive you because you are understanding, supportive & know how to throw one
heck of a party!

Some Real Facts

2008-10-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

NOW ]
Current mood: tired
Current music: Brett Dennon
Current taste: Envelopes
Current hair: Blonde Blonde Blonde
Current clothes: Work attire
Current annoyance: no car :(
Current smell: my perfume
Current thing I should be doing: Billing entries for people at work
Current windows open: No window by my desk
Current desktop picture: My nephews
Current favorite band: Coldplay
Current book: In the Woods
Current cd in stereo: Mason Jennings was in it
Current crush: Andy Samberg
Current favorite celeb: Kate Hudson

[ DO YOU.. ]
Smoke?: NO
Do drugs?: NO
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: Yes
Remember your first love? Yes
Still love him/her?: Sometimes
Read the newspaper?: Every morning
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: more like my dad
Believe in miracles?: YES
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: Absolutely
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: Too tolerant with some
Consider love a mistake?: Not if it's right
Like the taste of alcohol?: No
Have a favorite candy?: Butterfingers/Hot tamales
Believe in astrology?: Very Mucho
Believe in magic?: David Blaine anyone?
Believe in god?: Yes
Have any pets: Not of my own but I miss Watson and cuddle with Boozer
Go to or plan to go to college: Yep, planning in process
Have any piercings?: Ears
Have any tattoos?: two
Hate yourself: No
Have an obsession?: Utah Jazz, Art, and Music
Have a secret crush?: No secret
Have a best friend?: Yes
Wish on stars?: Yes

[ APPEARANCE ]
Hair: BLONDE
Eyes:Green
Height: 5' 8"

[ LAST THING.. ]
Bought: Sunday morning brunch
Drank: Water
Read: The newspaper
Watched on TV: 30 Rock

[ EITHER OR.. ]
beer or cider: hot cider
cats or dogs: both but mostly dogs
single or taken: single
pen or pencil: pen
gloves or mittens: mittens
food or candy: Food
cassette or cd: cd
coke or pepsi: pepsi

[ WHO DO YOU WANT TO.. ]
kill: Carrot Top, and Kobe Bryant
look like: Oprah
avoid: Conflict

[ HAVE YOU EVER.. ]
Done drugs?: No
Broken the law?: Yes
Run away from home?: No
Broken a bone?: yes
Played Truth Or Dare?: Yup
Been in a fight?: yes
Come close to dying?: possibly

[ WHAT IS.. ]
Your bedroom like?: Clean most the time
Your favorite thing for breakfast?: Ham and Eggs
Your favorite restaurant?: Takashi
What's on your bedside table?: Lamp, Journal, Book, Phone Charger
What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: Tea and Toast
What is your biggest fear?: chuck norris being mad at me
Describe your bed: Comfy as can be
Spontaneous or plain?: spontaneous
Do you know how to play poker?: nope
What do you carry with you at all times?: Chapstick
How do you drive?: good
What do you miss most about being little?: Being a daddy's little girl
Are you happy with your given name?: very
What color is your bedroom?: lime green, purple and white
Have you ever been in a play? LOTS
Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you?: They don't annoy me but I can't help but wonder what they are willing to do for food/money

2008-10-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

It's been about 2 months since I last wrote on my blog. Not much has changed in my life in two months but I did get to go see my niece Annabelle for her 1st birthday party in California at the end of September as well as see my mom (who I miss more than anything) Doug, and Watson. For the party Jenny and I decorated the back yard with 150 pink polka dots and James set up a huge blow up play house for the kids. Dillon and Charlie also helped around the house with the decorations before the party started. The turn out was good and everyone had a really great time eating, laughing, and watching Annabelle open her birthday presents. I will have to post some pictures online when I get them from Jenny.

I'm still working really hard at my job and trying to get a raise by 2009 but I got some bad news a couple weeks ago from my boss. After spending a weekend with my family in California, I got called into my boss's office and she told me that I couldn't take ANY time off for Thanksgiving or Christmas. For alot of families, this wouldn't be a big deal because most families live fairly close together but I was devastated because my ENTIRE family is going to be in California this year for christmas. I tried to keep it together while I was in my boss's office talking with her about it but the second I left her office I broke down and cried. Family is the most important thing in my life and to be without them for two holidays will be very difficult, especially because I wasn't with most of them last year during the holidays. I had really been looking forward to spending a Christmas in California but because I am still considered new at Kipp & Christian, I am last when it comes to taking any time off in the company. I'm thinking that this year I will sign up to do some volunteer work at Sub for Santa to keep me occupied during the holidays, after all, serving others always makes you forget about yourself.

Another thing that has kept my mind busy lately has been this election. I am so proud to be able to vote for the first time, especially because this is the most important election we've seen in a long time. I have not decided which party I agree with most in general, but I am going to be voting for the first black president this year, Barak Obama. I am very proud to be an Obama supporter and I am happy with the feelings of hope he has restored to this country. Most people in my family are voting for McCain, which I understand completely but I know my Grandma Joy (my mom's mom) will be very proud of my decision as she is a avid Democrat. Many people may disagree and dig up dirt on Obama but I strongly believe he has the strength and ability to turn our country around if he is elected. I don't like to talk politics with my family because I think most the time it only causes friction and argument but I'd like to think that I've been pretty open about the cadidates this year and I can't go wrong if I listen to my gut. We will see how it all unfolds but I'm very excited to be a part of it and see what happens.

Hospital Times

2008-08-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

I just found these pictures in my phone from about a week ago... I went to the hospital early morning before work because I was crouched over in pain driving to work. Turns out I was passing a Kidney stone! The doctor didn't wait long to give me morphine. I was SO goofy and sleepy. I've never had anything like morphine so it really must have been funny to watch. I remember actually telling the doctor to take a picture of me giving a thumbs up so my mom knew I was okay. He took two or three pictures of me giving a thumbs up but these two are the only ones I actually held still for. It was such a weird experience and I gave everyone some good laughs.....then fell asleep for a few hours. I just had to post these because I think they are absolutely hilarious.

The Idol Experience

2008-08-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

So I promised I'd write about what it was like to try-out for American Idol and I never got around to it because I've had limited access to the internet but here are some photos of my 17 hour day. I didn't make it to Randy, Paula, or Simon but overall it was an AMAZING experience. The picture above is when we were standing in line for hours. These two girls were right next to us and we quickly became friends.

In this picture we were posing for the opening shots of the Salt Lake City Idol auditions. Me and Hillary are really classy and held up some "shocker" hands. haha It was 6:00am! We were goofy, give us a break.

If you look right in the middle of this picture you can see Justin G. from the 1st season on American Idol. He works for TV Guide and was filming.

These are some more people we met in line. The guy I'm looking up at was SO AMAZING! I could have had him sing me songs all day. I don't know if he made it or not.

Hillary and I found lots of ways to keep ourselves entertained while we waited to tryout. One of our favorite ways was putting in earphones and "people watching", giving every person we saw theme music. I think the best one was when we saw two police officers leaning up against a fence with their hands on their belts and one leg up. The theme music we chose for them was "Stuttin is a Habit...get like me". Classic.

Anyways, the producer told me I had lots of potential and to get some more experience performing in front of people and come back to audition again. I thought he gave some great advice and I will definitley tryout next year. I had SO much fun but was so exhausted by the end of the day. I think it was the longest I've been awake my whole life. It totaled more then 17 hours being awake by the time I fell asleep that night. It was all worth it when I got to see and talk to Ryan Seacrest though. He is just as short as everyone talks about, but alot sweeter than I thought he would be. That's all for now!

Red Wristband

2008-07-28T08:21:00.001-07:00

So yesterday I woke up at 4:00am, put myself together, grabbed some granola bars, and drove down to the Delta Center (I refuse to call it Energy Solutions Arena) to stand in line for my wristband for American Idol season 8. I met a few new friends in line and found ways of entertaining myself during the 3 hour wait before anything happened. At around 8:00am the line started moving and I had my red wristband by 10:00am. It's a simple little paper wristband with the American Idol logo on it but it represents much more to me than that. I am finally putting myself out there and showing people what I can do. I'm stepping out from my singing closet and pursuing something much bigger than myself. I am proving alot to myself by wearing this wristband and going again at 5:00am Tuesday morning to sing in front of producers and possibly Randy, Paula, and Simon. Honestly, I don't care what they say in the end, I just want this experience and the chance to say I tried. We will see how it all unfolds but I'm just excited for now. I have to admit, this red wristband is hard not to look at every five seconds...It's the constant reminder of what tomorrow has in store...and I couldn't be more stoked.

Everyone pray extra hard for me tonight!!! I'm gonna need my nerves to be calm and I know the only person that can help me with that is the big man upstairs.

Soap.Opera

2008-07-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

I am officially homeless as of last weekend when my dad kicked me out of his house. My life should be filmed because there is always something new and I'm always in the middle of big changes. I think it would get pretty good ratings. Anyways, It all started when I locked my keys in my car on a Thursday night and I didn't even realize it until Friday morning before I had to go to work. I was panicking because I didn't want to be late and my dad was on vacation with his phone turned off so I had no way of asking him if I could take one of his two cars to work. I guess I made a poor decision by taking the spare key to the 98' Saab that he keeps in the garage and driving it to work because the next thing I knew he was calling my office yelling at me over the phone about taking his car. He told me I should have called a cab or called my friend Hillary who lives in West Valley....
So, basically he told me that if I couldn't respect his things and Kevin (his live-in ex boyfriend) while he was on vacation then I needed to leave. I started crying at work and my boss told me to go home early so I could get things figured out. When I got home I called a locksmith (setting me back 70 bucks), packed all my things, and left. My friend Chandler offered to let me stay with her for awhile so that's where all my boxes are. I have yet to get a bed or any bedroom furniture but I'll just try to save my pennies and get it all with time. My dad is still on a cruise somewhere and I'm not looking forward to him coming back to SLC. There is gonna be a big guilt trip comin' I just know it. I honestly can't stand being around him when he is with Kevin so I'm glad he kicked me out. Luckily I still have my job and my singing that keeps me waking up everyday. My two friends Hillary and Chandler have been such a HUGE support and have helped me pack, unpack, and most of all let me cry on their shoulders. They really are great friends.
American Idol try-outs are next Tuesday so everyone pray for me and wish me luck! I've been working really hard to prepare as best as I can so we will see if I make it this year. My life truely is a soap opera...

Last Night

2008-07-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

Hillary and I went to the first of two performances of the American Idols LIVE tour last night. We had a suite VERY close to the stage. To say the least the night was bitter sweet. I think we both would have enjoyed it more if we weren't so in love with Jason Castro and David Cook. We both cried....alot....hahaha. The show was AMAZING, and everyone did a great job. They have all improved tremedously since the show and it was fun to see them dance and actually perform full versions of songs from the show and songs they love. My favorites last night besides David and Jason were Micheal Johns, Carly S., and David A.
I don't think i've ever heard a louder crowd than when David A. hit the stage singing Robbie Williams' "Angels". You couldn't even hear the kid sing because the crowd was so excited to see him. Archie sang 4 songs and could barely finish his last one because he was crying. While he was singing Josh Grobans "When you say you love me" he kept rubbing his eyes and brushing the tears off his cheeks. After he was finished performing he thanked everyone a million times over for everything and said, "Now look at what you made me do!" because he stared crying again. I was so touched and I know he was too.
David Cook followed Archie by saying "How do I follow that guy?". But sure enough he did and his performance was by far the best one man show i've ever seen. He kept the crowd involved and kept making comments about how it was the loudest arena he'd ever been in. I'm pretty sure we made eye contact but I'm crossing my fingers that tonight Hillary and I will get back stage. We have closer seats tonight and The E Center events director is doing everything she can to get us backstage passes. Her name is Julie and she is the one that got us such great seats for both performances. We owe her alot even if we don't get backstage tonight.
Anyways, we are going tonight at 7 to see our boys and this time I think we will be a little more composed. Once we get backstage all that is left is just to set a wedding date for me and David. :)

Gettin Closer!

2008-07-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

Everyday it get's closer and closer....try-out's for American Idol are on the 29th of July. I am preparing as best as I possibly can this month. Today is my first vocal strengthening class at 6pm-8pm. It's a four week class that is suppose to bust a move on your vocal strength and make a huge difference in the way you sing. I am so excited to get started. Hillary is taking the class with me and we are both working very hard. Lately there has been an extra amount of singing at my house. Hillary and I will sing for hours after work trying to improve our audition songs. She is usually brutally honest with me and I try and do the same thing for her. It helps alot when the people you sing for actually tell you what they really think.

The song that i've chosen to sing for auditions is called "Almost Lover" by A Fine Frenzy. It's a beautiful song but also very sad. There are several verses in the song that I can relate to and hopefully I can show that emotion in my performances. Songs always sound better when you feel or relate to the lyrics in my opinion. So, I will continue working on my voice and by the time the 29th roles around I am positive I'll be completely ready... Bring it on Simon.

We Couldn't All Be Cowboy's

2008-06-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

If you can't tell from the pictures I had a really fun weekend at our family reunion in Hanksville Utah. I was feeling really overwhelmed with the thought of driving all the way down there and back in just a couple days but it turns out it was totally worth it. I got to see alot of family that I hadn't seen in a long time and we did all the usual Mecham family things. We went fourwheeling up the Henry Mountains, played in the water, played slip-n-slide water baseball, and of course ate alot of food! The weather was well over 100 degrees at our camp site but when we went on our fourwheeling trip I actually needed my jacket and we ran into a couple patches of thick snow! Dustin took advantage of the snow, climbed to the top of it, and attempted to ski down. He didn't fall so I guess his attempt was successful.

Dustin and I got to spend alot of time together on this trip which was so nice! We had lots of great talks and listened to some quality music on the way home from Hanksville. Turns out we aren't as different as I thought. I loved every minute spending time with the family and can't wait to see them again. Hopefully it wont be too long.

We did lots of fun things on the trip but I think one of my highlights was watching Charlie play with grandma Joy. Grandma wears this necklace around her neck that she tells the little kids is magic. She had Charlie ask it questions and she would answer in a low creepy voice. Charlie caught on to the idea and decided he wanted Grandma to start asking the questions and he would answer in his low creepy voice. It went something like this...

Charlie: "Ask it a question Grandma"

Grandma: "Where is my uncle Thomas?"

Charlie (in a low creepy voice he picked up from grandma): "In the basement...... going potty.... on a train".

They would laugh and then she would ask another question and Charlie would answer.

Grandma: "Where is my brother"

Charlie: "In the fruit room.....behind the axe"

I was laughing so hard by the end of the game that my stomach was hurting. I know grandma and Charlie had a great time too.

Anyways, it was a great weekend and I will be posting another blog very soon all about my voice lessons and training before I try out for American Idol on July 29th! Wish me luck!

Just.So.You.Know

2008-06-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

Nicknames? Hay, Bug, Googan, Satan, Donny Osmand, Calvin Klein
Where do you live? Salt Lake City, Utah
What's your age? 19
Hair color? Blonde blonde blonde
Eye color? Green
Height? 5' 8 and a half
Shoe size? 8ish
Date of Birth? Febuary 13
What's your sign? Aquarius
How many siblings? 1 sister and 3 brothers
Obsessions? Sushi, Clothing, and laughter
Phobias? sleeping with the TV on, spiders, and snakes, and leather chaps
What makes you happy? a sunny day by the pool and falling asleep to the sound of rain.
What really irritates you? unfriendly motorcycle gangs
Who is your best friend? Hillary Sharon Peterson
What was the last CD you bought? Coldplay, Viva la vida
What was the last book you read? The Host by Stephenie Meyer
Who was the last person you spoke to? My Momma at lunch!
What was the last thing you ate? Some Gelato from Trio
What was the last thing you drank? Water with lemon
What's the best thing you've ever bought? A ticket to American Idol concert in July (it defines the rest of my life)
What's the best thing you've ever been given? A shoulder to cry on
What's the first thing you think about when you wake up? Wanting desperately to call in sick
Where do you see yourself in 10 years time? Married, one kid, and living the dream baby.
Do you have an 'innie' or 'outie'? one sexy innie
Describe yourself in 3 words: Sarcastic, akward, determined

*WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU

Cried? last thursday night
Laughed? at lunch with my Momma
Read a newspaper? Every morning (yes i'm 50 years old)
Had a bath/shower? I don't shower or bathe
Cuddled? I cuddle with Hillary when we get lonely. haha
Said, 'I love you'? To my momma
Prayed? Last night
Kissed someone? About a month ago.

I tag all of you!

Getting.Through.This.Weekend

2008-06-16T11:20:00.001-07:00

This last week was pretty tough for me. I've been very stressed at work and I haven't been feeling great physically or emotionally. My family reunion is coming up and it's just in time because I NEED to see my family. It seems like they always show up right when I need them most.
Anyways, yesterday was probably the hardest day I've had in a long time. I had gone to sleep Saturday night/Sunday morning around 4:00am and woke up at 8:00am feeling like I needed to go to church. It's so weird that I had such a strong impression at 8 in the morning because if you know me, you know I will choose sleep over almost anything, especially since I went to sleep so late. Well, I decided to go to a farewell of a guy that I work with named Matt Thomas. I've become really good friends with him and his mom Nancy and they are part of the reason why I love my job so much. I ended up sitting in the back of the chapel crying my eyes out because it was fathers day and I wasn't with my dad and because Matt's talk touched me so much. I knew I was suppose to be there for some reason. It was a good feeling but also very sad and gave me anxiety being there alone. Matt's dad left their family a year ago because he is gay so I related to alot of the things Matt said in his talk. It was very emotional for me to see how brave Matt is and I know he will be a great missionary.

After church I went home and I wasn't feeling too upbeat so fell asleep in my dad's bed for a few hours. After I woke up I walked around the house with nothing to do so I decided to go to one of my favorite places in SLC, The Broadway Theatre. They play mostly art films and documentaries and I love watching both. I decided to walk up to the counter and pick a movie I had never heard of, or seen a preview for. I ended up picking "Priceless". I ignored all the funny looks I was getting for being there alone and got a small popcorn, drink, and skittles. The movie was ALL in French but I loved it! I really liked the story and the actors even though I can't pronounce their names. This isn't the first time I've gone to a movie by myself but I think I will be doing it more often.

As I mentioned before, this last week has been a little rough around the edges but I found myself deeply comforted by two artists. First, this band Augustana is probably one of the best bands I've heard in along time. My friend Chandler gave me their new CD Monday night and I am addicted. They are truely amazing and very helpful when I'm having a hard day.

Hillary introduced me to this guy. His name is Ray LaMontagne and he is incredible. I'd heard his songs before in movies and random Cd's but recently I listened to a full CD of his and was blown away. His lyrics cheer me up and has the power to change my whole attitude.

Everyone should sample both of these artists and you will see why I love them.

2008-06-10T08:41:00.000-07:00

I went to Logan for a few hours this past weekend and had dinner with some old friends. It was fun but after about 3 hours of being there I couldn't wait to get back to SLC. It was such a weird feeling going to Logan without somewhere to stay or family to visit. It didn't really feel like home at all anymore even though I will always hold a place in my heart for that little city. Hillary was there visiting her family so she stayed behind when I decided to leave at 11:40 pm back to Salt Lake. It was late but sometimes a good drive is what I need to clear my head and think of all the things I need/want to do.
I've been working really hard on finding a vocal coach to train me for American Idol try-outs this year. I'm finding out that vocal training is VERY expensive and affording it is going to be a problem. I really want to give it a shot at least for the experience because I'm not sure I have the guts to get up in front of millions if I actually made it. Hillary is trying out this year too so it will be fun to go together and have that memory.

Both me and Hillary are still very much in love with these two men here. We are going to be meeting them in July and our plan is to sweep them off their feet. Unfortunatly for Hillary, Jason Castro has a girlfriend but that isn't stopping her. This is a girl that gets what she wants.... haha. David Cook will be easy. I have no doubt that once we meet he will never look back and we will live happily ever after. So basically, Hillary and I dream big.

2008-06-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me start by saying this last weekend was totally unexpected and crazy. I worked really hard at planning a Summer party for my office at a Salt Lake Bee's game (baseball). We had about 70 people in a suite and tons of food and drinks. I had been stressing for WEEKS about this party but it turned out really fun. Everyone told me how much they enjoyed everything. The best part of the night had to be that Stevie (from Cali) suprised me that night by flying into Salt Lake City! I have been friends with Stevie since I was 15 and working at Hollister. Anyways, he came to the game with me and Hillary but it took a little effort to convince him to go to a "Sex In The City" party after the game was over. One of my dad's silly friends Lyle was having the party and then we all went to the movie at 9:15. It was SO much fun. We couldnt stop taking funny pictures. There are a couple of my dad's friends that are honestly some of the nicest/funniest people to be around. They just have so much positive energy it makes anything enjoyable.

This guy's name is George. He is probably the most beautiful man I've ever seen in person. Hillary and I met him at the party and we are now both in love with him. haha too bad all the best looking men are gay...
One word for this picture...Classic. This is me and Hillary with David Johansen before the movie started. Hillary and I both have problems with men but seem to really enjoy kissing a gay man because they dont try kissing back. It's one of our many issues in life.

Another great part of the weekend was going to Park City with Stevie and just walking up and down mainstreet looking at the shops, trying on designer sunglasses (that'll never be affordable), and eating Italian gelato. I also attempted to go back blonde......I am now somewhat orange. It'll take a couple times at the salon before my hair is back to normal but I definitly cried about it alot. In fact, I got pulled over and the cop thought I was crying about getting a ticket but I had just left the salon and I was crying about my hair. Needless to say, he only gave me a warning so I guess crying actually does work if your trying to get out of a traffic ticket. That's one bonus of having orange hair...all I have to do is look at myself in the mirror and I can cry on command. I don't really plan on taking any pictures any time soon so sorry if my blog is picture-less for awhile. I don't wanna document this look i've currently got going on. I don't think orange will ever be the new blonde.

Just a little T.L.C

2008-05-29T11:27:00.000-07:00

So I finally went and saw my Sister Jenny, Mom, Brother Nate, and the little kiddles. It was MUCH needed and I had a blast with them. I could have just sat in Jenny's house and cuddled Annabelle all weekend and I would have been more than happy. The kids are so adorable and sweet, I love to give them millions of kisses when I visit.

Charlie said to me the day I left "Auntie, I don't like kisses. But I love the ones from you"

He is such a sweet boy

Annabelle was surrounded by tons of fun toys and things to play with but she only wanted to play with a silly piece of string. Figures

She gave me a huge kiss after this picture was taken and slobered all over my chin. I wish I had a picture of it!

We went to get our toes done at "Jazzy Nails" in Oceanside. All the women at the salon LOVED Annabelle. She really knows how to entertain people at a early age.

We went on the Tower of Terror at California Adventures the day I left. Dillon and Nate had never been on it before so it was really fun to go on the ride with them. I made Dillon keep his eyes open the whole time and hold hands because he was so scared. It was so funny!

Gotta Have The Ones I Love

2008-05-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

So today is pretty good. I had a melt down last night but overall I think I'm taking this pretty well. I know I'm taking it better than Johnny. I feel so bad that he is hurting so much.... I know he will be happy eventually though. I have had so much help from my friends and family and they have all been so nice. Here are some of the most inspiring words I've heard the last two days from the one I love most.

Hillary: "No worries Hay, in five years you will laugh at this whole thing because you'll be with your true soul mate...David Cook. And I will be with Jason Castro"

Mom: "You seem so far away and yet, you are always in my thoughts. I'm sorry things didn't work out at Johnny's just because it was so painful for you and for him I am sure. It doesn't sound like he was home much and that had to be very lonely for you. He seems sincere in his love for you; but, perhaps your right, it just doesn't work for a number of reasons."

Chandler: "Johnny added me on myspace and it freaked me out, I thought he was gonna yell at me. Pet my baby goat and you will feel better"

Jenny: "Ya live and learn eh?"

Dad: "Sometimes you have to just go with your gut. There is nothing wrong with that sweetheart. Wanna brownie?"

Stevie: "Happiness is within yourself and no one else. If your not happy with someone then your better off being happy by yourself. Stop worrying about how he is gonna feel, take care of yourself first kid!"

Andrew: "You deserve someone who makes you laugh harder than your stupid Chuck Norris jokes. It has to be to the point that you want to pee because that's how you are Haley. You need a funny guy."

Lyna: "What you did was very hard :( You need to be proud of it and have fun!"

Anyways, thanks for all the support. It really helps a lot! With all the things i've done and choices I've made that were sometimes stupid I think I'd be pretty messed up without my friends and family who support me through everything and love me no matter what. love you guys

2008-05-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

I broke up with Johnny. I got nervous and scared for a few different reasons and just packed all my things and left. I am having a hard time this morning, especially when I woke up and I was at my dads house with all my clothes and things scattered everywhere. I hate this. I really feel like a terrible person for just leaving and not really having a defined reason why. He kept asking me for a reason and I couldnt come up with anything he would have understood.
Basically, I'm struggling today but the only thing that is getting me through it is the fact that I will be seeing my family in California this week. I need to see them so bad. This is painful but I'm sure time will fix it. I just don't know if I will ever trust someone enough to give my heart to them completely. Seems like they always let me down, or I let myself down.
I shouldn't be so sad about this, after-all it was my decision to leave, but I knew I couldn't live with him or continue to be in a relationship that was practically a marriage without the wedding, ring, or approval of my family. I had to get out.
Johnny will take this hard, and I'm already starting to feel the burn but I can't deny my gut feelings. Part of me knows I will always love Johnny, but I also know that I can't be with him seriously right now. I need some time to myself, some time to take care of Haley.

The Winners....and Losers

2008-05-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

Frustration is settling in today because we lost last nights game against the Lakers. We are now 3-2 in the series. Luckly we are headed back to SLC tomorrow night and if we win that game it will be down to game seven....in LA. Makes me nervous but I have faith in my team, afterall we are an all around better team than the Lakers.
Also, David Cook and David Archuleta are in the final 2 next week on AMERICAN IDOL! I'm very excited for both but I hope that David Cook wins. He is amazing! Me and Hillary already bought our tickets for the AI tour this summer. We got as close to the front as possible. I'm SO excited to go, even though im pretty sure I will have a heart attack and die when I see Jason Castro and David Cook.....literally im scared for my life.
Johnny and I are doing very very well and I still love him. As much as I love spending time with him I really need to go see my mom in Cali. I miss my family so much! It's been so hard for me lately not to be around them and I don't even know why. I've cried several nights in a row just missing my mom and sister and brothers. My dad has had to be the "shoulder" to cry on for me lately because Johnny has been working SO much. I go to work at 7:45am, he goes at 9:00am, I get off at 5:00pm, but he doesn't until 10:00pm! I see him for probably a good hour before I fall asleep.
Ok, So I booked a flight to go to California on May 22nd and I won't be going back to SLC until the 27th! I cannot wait! Nate is in Cali (my bro) and so we are going to spend some good quality time together, along with my mom and sis. My mom mentioned a Spa day and shopping.....makes me so excited! Another thing that has happened this past week is I got a new car. It's a 2005 Scion tC, black with all black interior. I realllllly love it but the guy who had it before me put a muffler on it and it's really loud. I am getting that removed ASAP. Overall, things are good and they are getting even better.

Weekend

2008-05-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

This says it all.... Love my Team

So this last weekend went by WAY too fast....as usual. Johnny and I went to a play called "Sordid Lives" at the Rose Wagner theatre on Friday night. I really enjoyed the play and thought it was absolutely hilarious. It reminded me alot of my moms side of the family(Crazy and always fun). Saturday I spent cleaning the condo and re-decorating with my dads help of course. I had so much fun decorating such a cool place but by the end of Saturday I was completely beat! Johnny worked from 8:00am to 11:00pm that day so by the time he got home I had the whole bedroom torn apart and ready for bed. He just laughed at me and finished what I'd started while I went to sleep. By Sunday night we had everything put back together with all the new additions and the place looks amazing!

Ok, on another note. I am so Pissed about the Jazz losing the first game to the Lakers on Sunday afternoon. I watched the game just hoping and praying that we could get over the hump and start to take-over the game. Didn't happen. I got so frustrated watching the crowd cheer "M.V.P" over and over again when Kobe was shooting free throws. I will give him credit and say yes, he is a good b-ball player but I hate the guy because he is a one man show. There is no team with the Lakers, just Kobe. He is arrogant and too proud for his own good. Basically, I wouldn't cry if something horrible happened to him. I think the only thing that made it better for me after the Jazz lost last night is listening to a recording of David Cook perform on American Idol....Ahhhh I love him. I'm a huge fan of Jason Castro too but that is more Hillary's area of expertise. David Cook will win American Idol this year and he deserves it! I can't remember the last bad performance he had. My favorite so far had to be when he sang an Andrew Lloyde Webber song from the musical Phantom of the Opera. I peed a little when he hit that high note. And I peed a little just now thinking about it.

Different subject: I need to go see my mom. I miss her and my sister so much! I was talking about them alot yesterday to Johnny so he looked up flights for me to go see them. I still am planning the trip and deciding when the best time to go is but one thing is for sure, I am in some serious need of a hug from my mom and kisses from Dillon, Charlie, and Annabell. There is nothing like my moms cooking and her TLC. I miss it more than anything. When I lived in California my mom and I were eachothers best friend. Almost every weekend we hung out together either getting our toes done, shopping at Victoria Gardens, or going to Huntington beach just to walk by the ocean. I haven't spent any quality time with her since we went to NYC last year for my graduation present. Things are good in SLC now but they could be better if my mom was here too.

I think the closest thing I have to my mom here is a lady that I go visit once or twice a week. I call her "Nana". She is in her seventies but very chipper and fun to talk to. She will make me dinner and we will chat and sit on her sofa with all her cats. She has had a very interesting life including SEVEN husbands, trips all over the world, and life experiences I can't even imagin. We never run out of things to talk about and usually I'm there alot longer than I expected. She had a little birthday party for me this last Febuary and made a huge cake and this great potatoe soup I love. It was very thoughtful of her and I have grown to adore her. Anyways, I'm at work so I should probably stop writing and get some things done.

Moving Out, Growing Up

2008-04-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to move into these Amazing condos downtown. They weren't built very long ago and they are very modern looking. I absolutely LOVE it. Here is a link to a virtual tour of the condo, http://www.kenshawrealestate.com/Listing/VirtualTour.aspx?ListingID=1155366 .

I don't think my family will really understand this but i'm going to be moving in with my boyfriend Johnny Vigil. We have known eachother for two years and dated while I was still in highschool but during the two years we were "on again, off again". I dated other guys and he dated other girls until we lived in the same city but there were always fireworks between us. We have had and will have our issues, just like everyone else, but I love him. He challenges me and I challenge him in a very positive way. Some of our beliefs are different and some are exactly the same but it's interesting and intreging to learn new things about how we were both raised and grew up.

The first time I met Johnny was in the summer and I was with my best friend Hillary. I saw him and we flirted in a clothing store he was managing, then I left. Hillary convinced me five minutes later that I had to go back in the store and ask for his number...I did it. We went on a date later that week and after I remember telling Hillary, "I'm gonna marry this guy, he is amazing". She laughed at me but she has always said she thought we would end up together. After almost exactly two years of back and forth between us and our seperate lives, in December 2007 I finally moved to Salt Lake City for good. I think the moment it was finally official between us was when I got in a car accident just shortly after I moved to Salt Lake and he was the first one there at the hospital (Amy was second). I was on a stretcher in a room with tubes up my nose, a neck brace, and I had cried all my makeup off when he walked in. He looked at me and the first thing out of his mouth was, "You still look beautiful, as always". The nurse led him out of the room and I could hear her talking to him.

Nurse: "What is your name, and how are you related to Haley"

Johnny: "It's Johnny Vigil and Haley's gonna be my wife someday."

Nurse: "Ok, are you engaged then?"

Johnny:"No, eventually we will be"

Nurse: "Your her boyfriend..."

Johnny: "Hopefully.... you would have to ask her"

Nurse: (confused) "Your gonna have to wait in the waiting area for a short time"

I remember laughing at his answers because they were so shameless and romantic. The nurse didn't even really know what to say but when she came back into the room to check my vitals she said to me, "What did you do to him? That boy really loves you". At the time I thought it was sweet but more concerned about my injuries. The best part was telling him later that day that I had heard everything he had said to the nurse. He blushed a little but we both laughed about it.

Anyways, Johnny is a wonderful person and i'm very lucky to have him in my life, it got rough (as expected) for about two weeks, but it was good because we both realized we can't live without eachother. I love him.

I'm starting yet another chapter in my life and I couldn't be more excited.

Oh How Things Change

2008-04-29T09:44:00.000-07:00

My three brothers

The brothers, sisters, and grandkids

Isn't that the truth. If there is one thing that I've learned it's that there is only one thing in life that is consistant....CHANGE. Every year since I was 14 has been very different, unpredictable, and life changing. It all started with my mom getting re-married and moving to California, David going on his mission, me living with my dad and going to a new school (round one), then moving back to Logan for a few months, then moving to California with my mom(one year working and going to school), then moving back in with dad and going to Skyline highschool....again(round two), then moving back to Logan and finishing highschool living with Eric and Isabel (my counsins), then living in an apartment in Logan and starting College at USU, then moving back to SLC with my dad(round three), and now having a job in SLC at a law firm and planning out the next steps. Wow, that is a long list. I've been very blessed the last few years, although sometimes I admit it was hard to see. I have the BEST family anyone could ask for and they have supported me through almost all of my decisions. Even though there have been times in the last couple years when I probably gave my mom a heart attack, I know no matter what they love me. I feel the same about all of them.

First Post - Concert Last Eve

2008-04-24T15:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is my first post and im officially a blogger! My sister has been doing this forever so hopefully I can learn the in's and out's of making my page look better but for now i'll just be content with it. I went to a Ben Folds concert last night and it was simply AMAZING! He really knows how to entertain the audience and keeps everyone involved. He not only sang almost ALL my favorite songs, he danced, took pictures of the crowd, made us all harmonize together and sing, rapped, and played two pianos at the same time. Plus, he played for about an hour and a half straight! It was a blast ( besides the girl-fights me and my best friend Hillary almost got into because people were trying to cut us in line...yeah we have tempers.) and I will never forget it. Now, Ive always loved Ben Folds but it was such a suprise when me and Hillary found out who the opening acts were. It was AllRed (a male guitarist and singer) and Ben Lee (who was SO good and hilarious) they were both incredible and I would go to a concert with just those two any day. It was so fun and even though Im extremely tired today, it was worth the couple hours of lost sleep. I'll post some pictures once Hillary gives them to me.