Wedding Dress Virgin

K, before I write anything, I need to clear something up. I AM NOT ENGAGED RIGHT NOW, OR PLANNING MY WEDDING.

Now I can continue.

Yesterday, I had a photo shoot modeling wedding dresses for my friend Kenzie, who has started her own wedding dress business (Congrats girl). I have done some modeling in the past, but never did anything related to wedding shoots. I figured most modeling shoots are about the same... You put on what they want you to wear, make a few sexy faces, smiling faces, and pose - done right? No, wrong.

I never understood how incredible a dress can make you feel until I slipped on the first dress for the shoot and I, Haley B. Jones, lost my wedding dress virginity. You could argue that a prom dress can make a girl feel the same way, but it wasn't the case for me. As Kenzie finished squeezing me into the white gown, I got surprisingly emotional about the whole thing. I wasn't crying or anything that extreme, but it was a strange internal feeling when I looked into the mirror and saw myself as a bride for the first time. It was special.

I'll be the first to admit that I was somewhat of a "tom-boy" during parts of my childhood, and I never really put much emphysis on my wedding day or the man I'd marry. In fact, thinking back, all of my friends were brides at least once for Halloween, but not Haley... I preferred dying my hair green and being a witch or some weird Star Wars character. Maybe it was because my parents were divorced and I didn't see the point in marriage, or maybe it was just because I thought boys stunk and had cooties, either way, I never dreamed about my wedding day like most little girls do.

That being said, I guess you can understand why yesterday was somewhat of a shocker for me and a good surprise. I actually felt comfortable in a big white gown, pretending to be a glowing bride. Within the straps and stitching, I finally understood why many women claim that their wedding day was the best day of their lives. It instantly makes you feel like the most important, beautiful woman in the world for just one day. I get it now.

For me, my wedding day still isn't what I fantasize about day in and day out, but from my experience yesterday, it definitely boosted my excitement for that one special day. Now I can respect and recognize the power of a big white dress.



These are a couple of the shots from yesterday's photoshoot taken with my iPhone.

~The Battle~

So last week I was a mess. I felt anxious/sad and I absolutely couldn't figure out what was going on inside my head. Then, on Friday night after work, I had a complete anxiety attack slash breakdown and right when I reached for the "quick-fix" anti-depressants I stopped and decided to sit myself down and talk myself through the feelings inside. I asked myself three things:

1. Why in the HELL are you crying?
2. Why have you felt sad/depressed for a week?
3. How are you going to fix it?

I have a history of taking anti-depressants, mostly during a few rough patches in my teenage years so I know the dangers of depression and I can honestly say, it's always been a constant back and forth battle. It was surprising to me that after so long without the symptoms, I was having those feelings again when I have nothing to complain about. I knew I needed to dig a little deeper within myself to figure it out. I went through my three questions and came up with three answers, with the help of my dad, my best friend Hillary, and my beau Adrian.

First, I called Hillary and told her what was going on. She answered my first question very quickly by saying, "Sometimes Haley, us girls just need a good cry. It's in our DNA." She was right.
I hadn't cried for a long time before Friday night, and I think my anxieties were manifesting themselves through my tears. Instead of keeping my emotions inside (like I usually do), my extreme feminine side finally took over and I was able to shed some tears. It's said that a "good cry" helps relieve some stress and improve your mood so I fully took advantage of that theory and allowed myself to sob. In the end, I did feel much better after I wiped away the tears and re-touched my makeup.

To answer my second question, I called my dad, who has struggled with depression almost his entire life. I knew he was a great person to talk to about the saddness I was feeling. He explained to me that it's normal for everyone to have their "down days" (what he calls it) and that it will pass with time. But, we also talked about the fact that I am feeling a bit bored with my day to day life. Going to work for 10 hours, working out, then waiting for the weekend to come so I can switch it up a bit. That is basically the life I've been living for over 2 years now and it makes this 21 year old feel.... 30ish. Shouldn't I be in school? Shouldn't I be working a fun, part-time job or learning a new skill at such a young age?
Don't get me wrong, I have loved the structure and security my job has given me but I KNOW I don't want to be stuck behind a desk for the rest of my life.
The pressure to find a career and expand my knowledge about the world around me is becoming more and more prominent in my life and that is where my anxieties are coming from.

And finally, that lead me to my last question. How am I going to start moving forward and looking for a new game plan and new opportunities. Adrian came home right after I finished talking to my dad on the phone and he took me on a cute dinner date, knowing I had something on my mind. We talked about ways I could start making some changes and looking towards the future. He explained to me that he would love for me to go back to school, or find a new job, if it will make me happier and feeling more fulfilled. I told him I never wanted him to feel like I was completely dependant on him for a place to live, or money. I want to have my own back-up plan, not because I don't think it will work out, but simply for my own security and peace of mind. I was relieved that he agreed with me and we discussed options for schooling, among other things.

So, after I long hard week and a "good cry" on Friday I pin-pointed my anxieties and my feelings of sadness. No pills or therapy needed which was completely liberating. With the help of family,a good friend, and the man I dearly love, I was able to move past and talk through things that, a few years ago, would have sent me over the edge and into darkness. It's Tuesday now, and I'm still doing my day to day routine but instead of feeling sad I feel hope. I have the support and love I need to make some positive and happy changes in my life and I've finally learned how to successfully communicate... something I struggled to do for years. In the battle between me and depression, I think I won this round.

Haley - 1
Anxiety/depression - 0

SHOUT OUT!

I need to give a couple quick shout-outs.

First is Chad Braithwaite. He is a very close friend of mine and an amazing photographer here in Utah. He truely is a visionary and his work is absolutely stunning! Here is his website so you can check him out!

www.face-photo.com

Second, is my beau Adrian Chiaramonte has started to try and help the "green environment" cause by building a website for ecigarettes. They are cigarettes that can be smoked anywhere without the bad chemicals, smell, and smoke of a regular cigarette. It's greener for our earth and safer for smokers. Check out his newly finished website!

http://www.greensmartliving.com/

Good luck & great job guys!

Meeting The Family

Back when I was growing up, I knew I'd be different than the rest of my family. I always had a feeling I'd never marry in an LDS temple or be committed to one idea my whole life. But, I can honestly say, I never thought things would unfold the way they have. We are now only 10 days away from my mom and Adrian meeting face to face. This is a HUGE deal for me and something I have been waiting for since a week after I met him and I knew he was the type of man I'd been looking for. Adrian is SO nervous to meet her but very excited to finally hit this stage in our relationship.

I keep having different thoughts about how this whole thing could play out, and I guess I have been stressing about it a little. After all, Adrian is older than ALL of my siblings, and it is the first time my mom will have to deal with her youngest daughter seriously talking about marriage. Marriage at 22(ish) to a foreign man, who has been divorced once before and has three daughters - teenage daughters. No pressure right? Ugh. Wrong.

Truthfully though, I have to give my mom huge credit for her support and love so far. I know my choices in life have not been what she would have chose for me but she loves me none-the-less. My hopes are simple for the memorial day trip. I hope my mom and family can see the happiness I feel. I hope I can enjoy my vacation without worrying about expectations and show Adrian & his girls how wonderful my family is. And lastly, I hope when I leave I can take a huge sigh of relief. Family is everything and if I'm going to marry Adrian eventually, I need our families to somehow blend together.

I guess we will see how this all goes down...10 Days.

Love That Family Feeling

Recently we celebrated Nichole's birthday (Adrian's 11 year old) at his ex-wife's house in Draper. It was the first time in a long time I've had that "family" feeling that I miss so much from my childhood. When I was growing up, we were a very close family, and we always celebrated birthdays and holidays together. We even spent every Sunday night around the dinner table enjoying eachothers company and playing in the yard after our food was devoured. I miss that SO much.

I am so grateful that I have been accepted into the Chiaramonte family with open, loving arms since my family is much more spread out now and it's much harder to get us all together. It is so wonderful to be a part of the little girls' development and see them growing up. They have really brightened up my life.

Also, I'm amazed at how well Adrian and his ex wife get along, and how wonderful she is to me. Veronica (the ex) always thanks me for being there and we get along very well. I couldn't be more happy & more at peace than I am right now.