~The Battle~

So last week I was a mess. I felt anxious/sad and I absolutely couldn't figure out what was going on inside my head. Then, on Friday night after work, I had a complete anxiety attack slash breakdown and right when I reached for the "quick-fix" anti-depressants I stopped and decided to sit myself down and talk myself through the feelings inside. I asked myself three things:

1. Why in the HELL are you crying?
2. Why have you felt sad/depressed for a week?
3. How are you going to fix it?

I have a history of taking anti-depressants, mostly during a few rough patches in my teenage years so I know the dangers of depression and I can honestly say, it's always been a constant back and forth battle. It was surprising to me that after so long without the symptoms, I was having those feelings again when I have nothing to complain about. I knew I needed to dig a little deeper within myself to figure it out. I went through my three questions and came up with three answers, with the help of my dad, my best friend Hillary, and my beau Adrian.

First, I called Hillary and told her what was going on. She answered my first question very quickly by saying, "Sometimes Haley, us girls just need a good cry. It's in our DNA." She was right.
I hadn't cried for a long time before Friday night, and I think my anxieties were manifesting themselves through my tears. Instead of keeping my emotions inside (like I usually do), my extreme feminine side finally took over and I was able to shed some tears. It's said that a "good cry" helps relieve some stress and improve your mood so I fully took advantage of that theory and allowed myself to sob. In the end, I did feel much better after I wiped away the tears and re-touched my makeup.

To answer my second question, I called my dad, who has struggled with depression almost his entire life. I knew he was a great person to talk to about the saddness I was feeling. He explained to me that it's normal for everyone to have their "down days" (what he calls it) and that it will pass with time. But, we also talked about the fact that I am feeling a bit bored with my day to day life. Going to work for 10 hours, working out, then waiting for the weekend to come so I can switch it up a bit. That is basically the life I've been living for over 2 years now and it makes this 21 year old feel.... 30ish. Shouldn't I be in school? Shouldn't I be working a fun, part-time job or learning a new skill at such a young age?
Don't get me wrong, I have loved the structure and security my job has given me but I KNOW I don't want to be stuck behind a desk for the rest of my life.
The pressure to find a career and expand my knowledge about the world around me is becoming more and more prominent in my life and that is where my anxieties are coming from.

And finally, that lead me to my last question. How am I going to start moving forward and looking for a new game plan and new opportunities. Adrian came home right after I finished talking to my dad on the phone and he took me on a cute dinner date, knowing I had something on my mind. We talked about ways I could start making some changes and looking towards the future. He explained to me that he would love for me to go back to school, or find a new job, if it will make me happier and feeling more fulfilled. I told him I never wanted him to feel like I was completely dependant on him for a place to live, or money. I want to have my own back-up plan, not because I don't think it will work out, but simply for my own security and peace of mind. I was relieved that he agreed with me and we discussed options for schooling, among other things.

So, after I long hard week and a "good cry" on Friday I pin-pointed my anxieties and my feelings of sadness. No pills or therapy needed which was completely liberating. With the help of family,a good friend, and the man I dearly love, I was able to move past and talk through things that, a few years ago, would have sent me over the edge and into darkness. It's Tuesday now, and I'm still doing my day to day routine but instead of feeling sad I feel hope. I have the support and love I need to make some positive and happy changes in my life and I've finally learned how to successfully communicate... something I struggled to do for years. In the battle between me and depression, I think I won this round.

Haley - 1
Anxiety/depression - 0